I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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