I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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