I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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