I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
