can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Randomize
