don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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