dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
