This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
