I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Randomize