Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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