I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
