I accidentally had phone sex last night
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
