My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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