i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
