she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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