Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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