Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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