awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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