The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
