I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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