I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
