i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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