i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
