genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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