I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
