There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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