Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
