Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
do herpes really smell.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
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