even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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