Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
