Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
