Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize