Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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