Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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