Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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