Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
