dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
