why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
