My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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