Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
