You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He shit in the fireplace
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
