Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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