i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize