You just made me feel so damn special
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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