its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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