He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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