Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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