I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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