Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
