Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
