Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
