1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
