I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
even my farts smell like vagina
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
