Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
