Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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