You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
