I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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