He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
