3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
