I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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