my mouth tastes like poor choices
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
